Remember Who The Parent Is

Recently, I hit another milestone in my life. My 4-year old daughter told us that she wanted to run away because we didn’t love her and were mean to her. The precipitating event for her decision was the fact that her mother would not let her eat chocolate before bedtime. The nerve of that woman, how could a mother be so cruel!

I sat down on the couch with my daughter and helped her decide what she would need to pack; some food in case she got hungry, some warm clothes in case it got cold, some toys in case she got bored – but only a couple of her favorites because she couldn’t carry too many, and of course an umbrella in case it rained. Wow, lots of stuff! After our discussion, she decided she didn’t want to run away anymore and could suffer some chocolate deprivation.

I refer to this as a milestone in my life because I have used this example with many client parents we have had in treatment but had never experienced it firsthand. I have told many parents whose children call them to report, “the treatment center is locking them in the closet and beating them with sticks,” that situation is not unlike the little kid who wants to run away. If you let them go they get down the street and look at the great big world, it won’t be long before they hightail it home.

It is not unlike that with some of our clients; they are confronted with their pain and told that they are going to have to relinquish their coping skills and deal with it in unfamiliar ways. The whole experience is extremely painful. Their first instinct is to run but it is a well known fact that most addicts do not have the ability to sustain their addiction without some support, therefore we encourage family and friends to withdrawal any support other than supporting treatment and recovery.

I have had many clients prematurely leave our facilities, but once they found that no one would support/enable them, they quickly returned and began a meaningful treatment experience – not unlike the little kid who runs away from home.

I am somewhat making light of this but the analogy is a basic reaction. I know that absolutely nothing rivals the anguish and pain family members go through when they have to cut a loved one off in order to save the addict’s life…especially parents. It is completely against every paternal instinct and inclination. It is however, always necessary.

I am reminded of a story I once read about a missionary who was in a remote location in India and had a son born there with a clubfoot. This condition could easily have been corrected with surgery; however, there was no hospital for miles. One of the missionary doctors explained that everyday this man would have to turn and hold his son’s foot for 20 minutes. This was very painful for the little boy. The missionary spoke of how painful it was to cause such pain for his son. He spoke of how his son would scream, cry and yell, “I hate you,” while he turned the boy’s foot and how those words broke his heart. Then he spoke of the joy he felt when some years later he watched his son run across the soccer field.

The fact is, it is very easy to focus all of our attention on the addict and neglect the pain that their loved ones are suffering. We are constantly asking parents and significant others to practice behaviors that are completely unnatural to them. I don’t know what I would have done had my daughter got up and walked out the door or if I would have had the wherewithal to stand back and allow her to fully experience the consequences of that action; would I be able to sit on my hands until she decided to come back; honestly, I doubt it. I just want to say that we at TSN try to be aware of the family’s needs while we are taking care of their loved ones but I believe today I have a better understanding of what we are asking of them and I know I will be more empathetic. It is not that what we are asking them to do is wrong – it truly is the best thing they can do. That does not make it easy and we need to have patience with them. I also know that without stories like the young girl’s in the article below, I don’t think I could go on in this business. I am including it because I believe it may give some parent out there hope. This young girl came in kicking and screaming and wanted to leave after a week.

By Ann DeMatteo, Assistant Metro Editor
NORTH HAVEN

For the first time in four years, Barbara Hoffman is clean. ??

A drug user since 14, the 18-year-old is living in a halfway house in Florida after 60 days of treatment. “All my energy is back. My head is a lot clearer. I don’t need to lie, cheat or steal from my parents,” said the teenager, who estimates she stole money and goods from her parents worth $20,000 from the time she started drinking and using marijuana, cocaine, Ecstasy and prescription painkillers like OxyContin and Xanax.?

Her parents, Adam and Joanne Hoffman of North Haven, knew their daughter smoked pot, but were shocked to learn she was addicted to prescription drugs. Now that she’s in rehabilitation, they’re coming forward because they don’t want another family to suffer their pain.?Their world blew apart when they learned a week before Barbara Hoffman was to leave for college in September that she was on a downward spiral, addicted to OxyContin.?“I want to save another parent, another kid, from going through what our family has gone through,” Joanne Hoffman said. “Drugs should not be a secret. That’s how they thrive.”??Prescription pill addiction became an issue in North Haven about a year ago, when more than a dozen people were arrested for numerous burglaries, some dating back to 2006. Police said the burglaries appeared to be connected to the abuse of prescription drugs by some of the young people arrested.??

In North Haven in 2008, there were seven arrests involving illegal possession of OxyContin and 26 heroin arrests, according to Capt. James Merrithew, who runs the detective division. In 2009, police made 16 heroin arrests and 19 arrests for pills. Authorities said most users graduate from pills to heroin because it’s cheaper.??Police believe the addictions force users to take advantage of any opportunity to commit burglaries or larcenies.??The town’s Substance Abuse Prevention Council recently created and mailed a brochure to residents about the dangers of prescription painkillers. The town also plans to apply for a $125,000 federal grant that would help the town fight the problem, said Director of Community Services and Recreation Gerardo Sorkin.??

The council will continue to educate the community, and this spring hopes to have a program so residents can get rid of their unused prescription drugs. Talks also are planned for the schools.??“We’re very concerned that kids don’t understand how serious addiction to prescription drugs can be,” said Superintendent of Schools Sara-Jane R. Querfeld, a council member. “We’re not seeing any evidence of it at the high school but that doesn’t mean they’re not doing it.”??FROM A GOOD HOME??North Haven parents have been reaching out to Parents 4 a Change, a Southington organization run by Mary Marcuccio, a woman credited with saving the lives of numerous young people, including Barbara Hoffman.??“It’s sad, but the good thing is families are getting help,” said a North Haven mother whose daughter is no longer addicted to OxyContin. She and her daughter continue to be active with Parents 4 a Change.??Parents 4 a Change instructs parents to create an unfriendly environment for their children if they suspect drug use. Parents need to know their children’s friends and need to know where their money is going. Parents in the group said their kids have taken money from their bank accounts or have stolen items from their homes to buy drugs.??

The mother said the parents involved in Parents 4 a Change are caring people who were close to their children and made extraordinary efforts to help them once an addiction became known.??Take the Hoffmans, for example. Married for 25 years, Adam Hoffman owns Godfrey-Hoffman Associates, an engineering and surveying firm. Joanne Hoffman is a nutritionist who runs her business in her husband’s building on Broadway. Joanne Hoffman was a room mother when her daughter was in elementary school. She belonged to the PTA, she was a Girl Scout leader, and Adam Hoffman never missed a soccer game.??“I never thought my kid would be involved” with drugs, said Joanne Hoffman.??“The Hoffmans are a good example of parents who are willing to educate themselves and take productive steps to help their child,” said Marcuccio, whose monthly meetings at Derynoski Middle School in Southington now draw 80 people. “Parents are coming out of the closet.”??

Barbara Hoffman, 18, graduated from North Haven High School in June. She earned almost straight A’s, took Advanced Placement psychology, was a CAPT scholar, a varsity soccer player for four years and was in the Latin Club. She was planning to major in business.??But a week before she was to leave for Bryant University in Rhode Island, her parents found out she had an OxyContin problem. They had been aware, previously, that she smoked pot, and asked her to stop.??Barbara Hoffman said that starting at 14, she smoked pot about five times a day, every day. It wasn’t that hard to get. Drinking was more of a weekend thing, when friends would steal liquor from their parents’ homes or liquor stores would sell to underage youths.??

Barbara Hoffman said her parents didn’t know what she was doing, but some kids had parents who didn’t care that they drank.??When she was 16, she started to experiment with other drugs, OxyContin being the first. She was addicted immediately. Drug-addiction experts and many medical studies, including at Yale University, have linked addiction to genetics. In other words, some people may be genetically hard-wired to become addicts.??“We were just bored. We thought it would be fun. We thought it would be a good idea,” she said of the people she used to hang out with. She tried cocaine a couple of times and didn’t like it, but she liked Ecstasy. When her friends stopped doing it, she continued. When her parents saw the pills, she convinced them they didn’t belong to her.??“I’m a good talker,” she said.??

Her parents forbade her to smoke pot, and they started testing her for drugs. So, she stopped smoking and picked up OxyContin, which the tests didn’t pick up.??“During this time, I was breaking up with my boyfriend of three years. I started doing Oxys every day,” going from a few 40-milligram pills to 10 80-milligram pills a day.??She had a job so she had her own money.??“I stole from my parents a lot. … I pawned all my gold, my parents’ gold. At the time I didn’t think it was a big deal because it seemed like everyone was doing it. Now I feel terrible. They worked hard for that stuff and I just took it and sold it like it was mine. I can’t even go by a pawn shop any more,” she said.??INTERVENTION??The moment of truth was Aug. 27, 2009.??“We confronted her with it. … Her new boyfriend, from Hamden, was the dealer,” Adam Hoffman said.??“It was right out of a movie. She acted like a caged animal and said she wasn’t an addict. It was horrifying,” Joanne Hoffman said.??During the confrontation, they had Marcuccio on the phone and she told them what to say.??“Without Mary, the kid would be dead,” Adam Hoffman said.??She was taken to the Stonington Institute, but ran away three times and came back home, saying she could get clean on her own. She then received outpatient services at the University of Connecticut Medical Center and received a shot of Naltrexone, an opiate blocker. She was going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings.??Barbara Hoffman said she hit rock bottom on the night of Oct. 30, when she totaled her car on Interstate 91 after snorting crushed Xanax pills. She was arrested.??

Her parents gave her an ultimatum: out-of-state rehab or be kicked out of the house.??On Nov. 3, she was flown to Treatment Solutions of South Florida on the recommendation of Parents 4 a Change.??“She can probably never live in North Haven again because of the sights, sounds and smells. Everyone she knows does anything from drink to use heroin. She can’t handle it,” Joanne Hoffman said.??Adam and Joanne Hoffman attended three “intensive days” of instruction about pharmacology, drug addiction and its causes through the Treatment Solutions Network. They’ll have to attend Nar-Anon, which helps parents of addicts.??They believe that their daughter took drugs to feel better.??“She tried it and had no reason to stop. It made her feel good,” Joanne Hoffman said.??Michael Blackburn from Treatment Solutions Network says there’s a need for what his group does.??

Barbara Hoffman had 60 days of inpatient treatment before being transferred to the halfway house, where she lives with five other young women. “She’s doing well,” Blackburn said.??“This rehab is like no other. They call you on your (expletive). It was good, honest. It’s the first time I’ve been to rehab where I actually want to be clean,” she said.??Being in an area in which a recovering addict is unfamiliar helps because the person doesn’t have access to dealers. It challenges the person to get well on his or her own. “The program teaches life and living skills,” Blackburn said.??“She’s seeking a job with the support of Treatment Solutions,” Joanne Hoffman said. “She’ll start college in the fall, knock on wood.”?

If you are in love with someone who is struggling with an addiction we have many resources listed on our website www.treatmentsolutionsnetwork.com/families

Jim Bevell
CEO Treatment Solutions Network
561 577-3174
jimb@tsnemail.com